Second Cycle NOT SO GOOD :(

Hello all it has taken me longer than normal to get to update this this time around. 
My second chemo cycle I thought I was going to be ok, when I went in I was feeling really good and was prepared more than the last. I had a plan to beat the constipation so was feeling positive. 
Mum came with me this time and it must be boring for others to go with me but I was grateful to her. 


I arrive and get a Milo that doesn't taste like much, my taste buds still not back Ur well I can handle food so that's the main thing. 
It was an 8:30 session so I thought by lunch time I was going to be sick at home in bed, the nurses are great and keep you occupied as well as I met a lovely lady who was back for her second time in the chair so we chatted and she was really positive for someone being through it all before.  
We talked about wigs and she was impressed with the one that I had on so I Googled the address for her and gave her the address of THE UK WIG SHOP on line through ebay great wigs and really well priced. Then it was over it seemed to go really quickly and I felt ok so we left and I said to mum ill drive, I was feeling hungry so suggested going for lunch because I was feeling so well. We went to a really nice place and had scallop & prawn pasta with a beautiful white creamy sauce. 


I was feeling ok until about 7 that night then the nausea hit and I was onto the tablets to relieve it, I went to bed about 9 thought ill get rest. In the following days I was resting a lot but not too bad until day 4. I have a problem with my stomach when I have chemo it doesn't seem to want to or know how to work. 
To try to explain it to you all (it is really hard) normally you cant feel your stomach when you eat and most people rub their lower tummy when they say they are full, for me it is really hard to eat anything the food doesn't seem to go anywhere it feels like your food is stuck in your oesophagus just before your stomach so its doesn't make you want to eat.


Nothing seems to make you feel better, for days I felt hungry and needed to eat to help with the nausea but then felt sick when I did eat. I found myself vomiting a lot this time and it became very uncomfortable. It was even at 12am in the morning that I found myself up vomiting and showering and trying to get back to sleep. 
The worry and depression kicked in as I felt really sick most of the time, I also didn't have any energy to do anything sitting on the couch not wanting to move at all, I started to cry and worry I was going to feel like this forever. The smoothies saved me, they were full of fruit, fruit nectar and milk with frozen yoghurt and real fruit. I had them for breakfast and dinner so I am thinking it may be the way to go for next time see how I go! 


I haven't got a sore mouth but the nose is really bad its like you have a cold but its dry up your nose from breathing and collects dry mucus great ha ! But I am grateful its not my mouth that would be worse. A lot of people tell me I look great and it may be because I have been using the Dove tinted moisturiser to make me look a little more normal it also blends the really white scull from my face that has a bit of color. 


I was down a lot this time finding it depressing just being home not doing anything and not having the energy or motivation to do anything. I felt like it was never going to be over and then on the 10th day I woe up and gone the nausea had decided to leave and I was stoked so I got up and pushed myself to go out for the day and went to the movies to see Breaking Dawn. I was happy that I could go out and feel normal. 


I am still needing to rest quite a bit but its what my body needs and I am trying to get in exercise as the fluid retention is really quite restrictive I have even stopped wearing my engagement ring because its uncomfortable. 


I have been bitten on my head by a mosquito yes you heard it right never before has it happened now my head is fair game apparently because it hasn't any hair. I didnt think it was very fair and it really hurts to be honest. 


Ethan, Matt and my nephew Caleb thought it was time to try the wig themselves they thought it was funny, here are the pics.


I am back for my half way mark 3rd Cycle next week Thursday the 1st so will be out for a bit, but I have the appointment with my surgeon on the 5th December to find out when and what surgery type I am in for so I will keep you posted, I am hoping to have the option of Implants as it is the quickest healing and I can maybe get back to some type of normality soon.

2nd Cycle :)

Matt looking stylish   Ethan with the wig, 

                                                                                                                               he looks like me ;) 

 Caleb my nephew 

Talk to you soon :) 

Looking at myself and really seeing me making the most of the new do

To all of the lovely people out there that have been a support to me I appreciate it. 
I have been overwhelmed by the kind words and encouragement that everybody has shown.
I am going through something that is very tough on you emotionally and physically it is tiring and can at times be really tough on you mentally. there are some things that have made me break down and have a cry this has been seeing new born babies knowing that I may not have another one has made me cry while waiting for the doctor. 


The hardest mental challenge is the thoughts that people may think are negative, let me tell you for me they aren't negative just thoughts, when you are told you have cancer you have many things go through your head first for me wasn't why me ? Or it's not fair. It was I want to be here for my family I want to be with my partner get married and see my son grow up. 
BUT I did have the thoughts that I see as normal I need to get things in order, need to make sure I tie up loose ends, this didn't mean that I have given up or that I am not going to fight this with all I have its just something that you start looking at. 
You see this as something that is killing you silently and the need to make sure the people you love are looked after. This is natural not harmful as I have had these thoughts and these thoughts also kicked me in the butt and made me want to fight, beat it and win!


When I shaved my head I cried and I am really not sure why, when my partner asked me "was I OK ?" I said "yes" I wasn't sure if I was crying for my hair or that by doing this it made it more of a reality, what I am going through and that this was happening and my body was reacting to it. 


It is amazing when you shave your head you really have no choice but to really look at yourself you cant hide behind hair or pretend you don't see the real you ! Your hair is part of who you are but I do think too many of us hide behind things, hair, make up, earrings, tattoos or clothes. 
Looking at myself I can now see me I have had to look at myself and look at all the flaws that I had tried to look past before when I quickly did my hair or didn't bother with make up or care before, thinking that it didn't matter because I wasn't good looking so it wasn't worth the effort anyway. 


Yeah the real hard truth about how I felt about myself came out and you know what when looking at myself in the mirror without hair I realised that ...........I am no super model but ....................I have really nice eyes and my nose is not bad and my eyebrows are pretty good shape, I now look at myself and see that I am good looking on the outside as well as the inside. 
So I am now embracing this and feel differently about myself. I did hide behind being too vocal and maybe come across rude or arrogant this was only to protect myself, I used to think I knew what people thought about me and would judge myself more harshly than anyone else, I would give someone the impression of me that I had created for them by the way that I react before they did. 


This is huge for me as I know that I am a very caring person but this sometimes got lost in the judgemental appearance that I gave people, this was only reflected because I was being Judgemental on myself. Yeah not everyone is going to like me and I am not going to get along with everyone but have stopped judging me harshly so that people get to make up their own mind. 





Well here is my new look that I have embraced and now love from what my head looks like now to how I wear my scarves most days :)

   

I seem to be getting better at arranging them and the accessories that I have made with my glue gun are keeping it looking original :) I am enjoying this to be honest 

A special thanks to my Aunty Leece she shaved her head in support of my battle and I really appreciate it you are amazing and I love you. 

Thanks to all my friends and family love to all of you. 

                                                                         




                     

Becoming More of a Reality

The past couple of weeks has been full of ups and downs, firstly trying to work out how my body is going to react to the chemo was the toughest as the constipation ended up being very painful and I was starting to get sick and nauseated from that rather than the chemo. 


The sickness from the chemo lasted around the 5 -6 days then I started to be able to function ok until the other side effects kicked in now they have been worked out and I am prepared. I am still not looking forward to next Thursday as I know the nausea will be bad. But on the bright side it will mean I only have 4 cycles to go ! 


The first week nothing much happened apart from the nausea and the sleep my body craved sleep so I gave into it and slept obviously that's what my body needed. I didn't eat much either my taste buds changed and things didn't taste the same my favourite foods were not appetising to me any more. I was at my mums and she had Nutella in the pantry so I thought that will get the taste buds going, when I tasted it I turned to mum disappointed and said this doesn't taste like chocolate, I guess that is a good thing I am a bad chocolate freak and well haven't had any since the first week, not worth it if it doesn't taste like chocolate.
The start of the second week I noticed my hair strands were starting to fall out but nothing too dramatic until the end of that week when I noticed that when I was combing my hair with my fingers that more hair was starting to fall out, it is still a week away from my next cycle of chemo and my hair was starting to fall out quite a bit. 
So i thought that it was time to get some scarf's and a wig, one I ordered over the net and am waiting for it to arrive and the other I went to a shop in Subiaco great place lovely lady  Place is called Cheveux on Hay.






This was my hair at the start of week 2 it was starting to fall out but only at some areas so I didn't really notice it too much it was only falling out when I brushed it.  

 This picture is Thursday of week 2 my hair had started to fall out in clumps and it was starting to fall out and be everywhere it would be on my back from just walking around and I couldn't touch it without it being on my hands. 


This is just from me running my hand through my hair, it got a little bit depressing and well got a little annoying having hair around all the time, I had already cut 9.5 inches off my hair already so I asked Mat if he could shave it for me and of course he thought this was awesome and laughed, you can imagine the nicknames I now have !!!!  

This is what the same area looked like that Thursday as you can see the bald patch has gotten bigger and only bound to get even bigger! 


SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it was only logical get rid of it. 

 Why not have some fun hey !!!!
So I just hacked at my hair it was coming off anyway. 
The one person that amazes me through all of this is my son he is nearly 4 and has accepted everything and embraced it with love for me like no other.


When I said that my hair is falling out and showed him he said "oh that is not good " I said to him that it wont be forever and it will grow back he had been to the wig shop and he said to me "it's ok you got new hair" 

I had a Bald patch like no other :) 


So it started he clippers were read and Mat was happy to do it so here it is my new do. 

  

Its amazing the wigs they have out there now this is a synthetic wig I wasn't really fussed to a real hair wig when I was shown these as the real hair were much more expensive and I couldn't afford it so I opted for this one, will see what the one from the UK is like it is supposed to be 50% Human hair so well see what the difference is when it arrives.


When I got the wig Mat asked to see it and was opening the box he asked my son what's in the box he simply turned and said "its mums new hair its pretty have a look" :) He makes me smile when things get tough he always looks to the obvious and isn't fazed by it so it helps me be strong. 

 


But when I need to go out I have this it is so like my own hair that I had before I started this big battle so I don't feel too concious when going out and about :) It will be exciting to see what the new wig from the UK looks like !