Pathology Results how daunting

Well its been a little since my operation and things have changed, when I had my last cycle of Chemo in Feb I celebrated and thought wicked its nearly over. 

Well that was until I went to get my pathology results, the surgeon wasnt the easiest person to understand I left feeling unsure, she said that the results were good but not great ??
I left with her telling me that she will book me in for 6 months time as I may need further chemo this news was devastating and I was in a world of my own trying to work out what she said and how I was going to process this. She said " your oncologist will talk to you about treatment if its needed" I thought instantly "yeah" knowing my oncologist he will do what is needed and I knew that more treatment would be on the cards. 


The oncologist appointment was another few days away and the anxiety was really strating to eat away at me, I had everyone saying that "he may not give you more treatment" or "you will be right and you can do it" I felt like punching them I know they were only thinking of me but knowing what chemo was like it was the last thing I wanted to go through again. 


I sat and cried on my own for a good few hours with unsure feelings, did I need chemo because the cancer is still growing ? Did chemo not work ? Why ? Why/ I thought did it not work for me? I had done all I can I am sorting my emotions out working on the inner me and getting my heart and mind healed. I was approaching this as a holistic healing and thought I was doing well. 
My emotions had a really good work out and I wasn't sure if I would be strong enough to keep going and endure another 6 months of this. 


It was the morning of my appointment and I was vomiting with nerves and I had to go on my own no one else could come with me, I waited what seemed like forever to see him this time. When I went in he asked how I was and we started talking, I said that the surgeon said I will need more treatment and burst into tears, my oncologist looked up and was surprised I had never been so emotional in there before and he said " we haven't even gotten there yet" 


He told me that the pathology results showed that there was 4 nodes affected out of 15 and the area that was affected was 120mm down to 45mm but ther were still little clusters of cancer cells in that area, the operation was good and clearance was good so it wasn't the best result that that we could have had with no evidence of cancer but it wasn't the worst. 


I also had an appointment with the radiologist who was amazing and put me at ease by saying that the results were expected for the cancer that I have and she said that it was a good result, that my oncologist was just being proactive in trying to raise my chances of this shit not coming back. 


So I had a CT scan that was to set out my markings for Radiation Treatment.